Monday 13 December 2010

50 Mischievous ways to become disturbing

It astonishes me that people laugh at the mentally ill given the fear people have over what it might trigger. Far better to laugh with people than ever to laugh at them. It's a myth to think that people with mental health problems don't have a sense of humour.

Often they can come up with the funniest of practical jokes, learn to laugh at their own behaviour and may on occasions fake weird behaviour just to freak others out. It's the equivalent of an amputee saying "I'm sorry, I'm stumped" and can become a cathartic release for one and all.

It's extremely common for people to plainly see what others find odd while remaining oblivious and ignorant about our own peculiar habits, even among the the so called sane. See how many of the following you've ended up doing at some point. It doesn't necessarily mean you're ill and particularly not if you do any of the following deliberately as a joke, although I daresay some psychologists may debate with me over some of them.

Here then are some ways to ways to be mischievous which come from a mix of sources from the Internet. Some might come from the mentally ill, but many don't. Can you tell the difference, and does it matter anyway?

How to unsettle and irritate others
1. Sing the same tune incessantly.

2. Over use words like "basically" and "actually".

3. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."

4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

5. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

6. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

7. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

8. Name your dog "Dog" or "D-fer" (D for Dog).

9. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

10. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
 
11. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance. Better yet if you have a friend joining in.

12. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."

13. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

14. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

15. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action.

16. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

17. Staple papers in the middle of the page, or glue pages together in the middle of a book with a note scribbled "censored", "confidential" or "private".

18. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of copyright warnings.

19. Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples belongings.

20. Type out and stick the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

21. Set alarms for random times.

22. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

23. Wave to strangers.

24. Dress only in bright orange and spray your shoes and dye your hair to match.

25. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

26. Wear your pants backwards.

27. Decline to be seated at a restaurant and insist on eating standing up.

28. dont use any punctuation and analyse the responses you get as if it is a psychology test

29. Pay for your shopping with pennies counting out every one and then losing count and starting again.

30. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

31. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of some one's maps.

32. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."

33. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

34. At the supermarket, insist on paying for each item separately.

35. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

36. Drive and park 200 yards down the road and keep repeating doing when giving someone a lift. Say nothing.

37. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

38. Ask people what gender they are.

39. While making a speech, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.

40. Lie about trivial things such as the time of day.

41. Stand by the road side pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

42. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

43. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

44. Ask your colleagues mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Afterwards mutter something about "psychological profiles" for a course you're doing.

45. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

46. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

47. Invite lots of people to other people's parties. 

48. Give everything in your home a name  and stick labels on them e.g. name a table Trinny, a chair Charlie or a door, Doris. Insist that everyone calls them by their name and asks permission before using them.

49. When answering a call from a sales rep, try to sell them a bottle of fresh air and really extol it's virtues.

50. When answering a phone call from a sales rep say your really interested, put the receiver down and leave them talking. You can return every five minutes to say 'I'm sorry I missed that can you say that again' and leave them talking again. In other words run up their phone bill.

Personal Experience
Some years back now I had a run in with psychosis myself. While ill I imagined all sorts of codes and many other crazy things. At the time if anyone had challenged me or laughed at me I was prone to becoming aggressive. While I was recovering I was deeply embarrassed by my actions, but now I am recovered I can see the funny side of them and will take being teased about it all because I know I can give as good as I get.

It's a bit like people ragging you for the silly things you end up doing when drunk. The morning after you can find yourself cringing about it all, but eventually you should be able to see the humour.

I particularly like the codes and language jokes now because of that illness but would never dream of laughing at others until I know that they know they are joking.

How to check
It's easy, ask. If they don't budge in their behaviour or beliefs they could either be stubborn or very ill. Try and get them the professional help they need, ideally by getting them to go for an assessment of their own free will.

NEVER encourage strange beliefs or behaviours if you think they might be serious about them. Do not enter into debates, arguments or discussion with them about it.

NEVER laugh at the afflicted, wait until they are laughing too.

It's interesting that many of these pranks are like those of mischievous children and maybe that's what happens when we become ill, we resort to becoming childlike in some way. The more vivid our imaginations the more likely it is. 

One never knows what might transpire to trigger a mental illness so you could be next - no laughing matter that as I hope you will agree. Play nicely.

Saturday 4 December 2010

Computer addicts...

Signs that you are an Internet Addict
1.) You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
2.) You step out of your room and realize that your parents have
moved and you don't have a clue as to when it happened.
3.) Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to go from top to bottom.
4.) Your nightmares are in HTML and GIFS.
5.) You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling,
like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
6.) You start introducing yourself as "Jim at net dot com"
7.) Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you
see a new WWW site address on TV.
8.) You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can
hear if new e-mail arrives.
9.) Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you
of what she looks like.
10.) All of your friends have an @ in their names.
11.) When looking at a web page full of someone else's links,
you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.
12.) Your dog has its own home page.
13.) You can't call your mother... She doesn't have a modem.
14.) You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you
check it again.
15.) Your phone bill is a heavy as a brick.
16.) You write your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
17.) You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends,
because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
18.) Your husband tells you that he has had the beard for 2 months.
19.) You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and
check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
20.) You tell the kids they can't use the computer because
"Daddy's got work to do" -- even though you don't have a job.
21.) You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
22.) Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
23.) You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with
Netscape 3.0 or higher."
24.) You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your
ISP... because you never log off.
25.) The last girl you picked up was only a GIF.
26.) You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the
chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
27.) Your wife says communication is important in a marriage...
so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so
the two of you can chat.
28.) As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain
road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.

The Less You Know, The More You Make "Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and Scientists can never earn as much as Business Executives and Sales People." This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:

1. Knowledge is Power.
2. Time is Money.

As every engineer knows:
Power = Work / Time

Since:
Knowledge = Power
Time = Money

It follows that:
Knowledge = Work/Money.

Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge.

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.

Conclusion:
The less you know,the more you make.  

Is Windows a Virus
No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:
1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.
2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.
3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.
4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too.
5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So Windows is not a virus. It's a bug.

Computer Acronyms
PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN: It Still Does Nothing
APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
SCSI: System Can't See It
DOS: Defective Operating System
BASIC: Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM: I Blame Microsoft
DEC: Do Expect Cuts
CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too.
WWW: World Wide Wait
MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
PENTIUM: Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
AMIGA: A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction
LISP: Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis
MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
GIRO: Garbage In Rubbish Out
MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only (for) Fools (&) Teenagers.

Great Writer
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

Tuesday 30 November 2010

Diagnosis

I thought I'd start with some things I found on the internet... Annoyingly there is very little humour from sufferers of mental illlness on there at the moment. Hopefully this blogsite will help to change that.


THE 12 WARNING SIGNS OF GOOD HEALTH*
(If several or more appear, you may rarely need to visit a doctor.)

1. Regular flare-ups of a supportive network of friends and family.
2. Chronic positive expectations.
3. Repeated episodes of gratitude and generosity.
4. Increased appetite for physical activity.
5. Marked tendency to identify and express feelings.
6. Compulsion to contribute to society.
7. Lingering sensitivity to the feelings of others.
8. Habitual behaviour related to seeking new challenges.
9. Craving for peak experiences.
10. Tendency to adapt to changing conditions.
11. Feelings of spiritual involvement.
12. Persistent sense of humor.
*Adapted from a posting on a computer bulletin board in Waldport, Oregon, author unidentified. Reprinted in Whole Earth Review (Winter 1994), a compendium of brash thinking and lofty ideas.



Initial Assessments
1. When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the physiatrist began his therapy session, "I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."

"Of course." replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."

2. "Doctor, doctor, I'm manic-depressive."
"Calm down. Cheer up. Calm down. Cheer up. Calm..."

3. "You can learn alot about paranoids, just by following them around."

4. The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?


5. Patient: How do tell if someone is mentally ill?
Dr Quack: They have delusions that they are well.
Patient: What's your condition then?
Dr Quack: Er...!


6. "You say Psycho like it's a bad thing!"




Welcome

Ever had that longing to get away from it all? Ever had that feeling that it's been an age since you last laughed your head off? Well I have, so I decided to start a new blogsite to collect together all the things that make me laugh.

As with all my blogsites, I have no idea what it's going to lead or what will end up being included, but I hope you will enjoy reading.

I also hope you will help me find new things to include, but I won't be including adult humour simply because I don't want to exclude children from reading this.

The reason for the title of this blog is simple... I have had a run in with mental illness and one of the things that has helped me overcome those problems has been my sense of humour. It's not well known, nor generally expected for people with mental health problems to have a sense of humour but they/we do. Admittedly it's difficult to access sometimes but it is there somewhere.

Most of all I want to develop humour from the mentally ill themselves, so please message me with your jokes, and amusing anecdotes. You will be credited for your contribution under any name you wish, but I reserve the right not to include items which I think might offend. 

One of my golden rules in life is never trust anyone who does not laugh at themselves. I have so much material to laugh at myself about it's difficult to know where to begin. People who only laugh at others, but never themselves in my opinion forfeit the right to laugh at others.

Enough waffle, time to begin... now what will be my first 'theme'?